What’s in a kiss?

It just hit me.

I had never thought it like this, but I now think that, as with sex, I don’t feel like kissing random guys. I would only kiss when loving somebody, expecting a whole romantic story afterwards. Contrary to a lot of people (your average sexual person?), who will be more than willing to kiss without really wanting anything else out of it, just because kissing feels great and it is fun (what? it isn’t unless you have feelings!).

I had a very painful experience with a sexual guy. We kissed. He did it for the sake of it, and never cared about it afterwards, whereas I did it because I loved him.

I really didn’t feel the butterflies in my stomach I thought I was supposed to feel. The whole time I was thinking… Is this it? Is this all that it feels like? It was kind of weird and definitely nothing I would have done if I didn’t care for the guy I had in front of me. Turns out he could perfectly have kissed a totally random girl.

Oh my god. Could this be an expression of demi/asexuality vs. sexuality?



  1. Sabriel said,

    June 1, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    First of all, it’s great to see a new blog about asexuality, and I wish you the very best of luck with it in the future 🙂

    I feel very different about kissing to you. For me, I could happily kiss anyone that I find reasonably appealing and just enjoy it for what it is, which as an asexual makes things a bit harder for me – I don’t necessarily attach any emotional connection to the kiss whereas the other person might, so I make sure that if I’m purely kissing for pleasure they are too. I do agree that it feels totally different when you care for the person though, it’s a much more fulfilling experience. I don’t know if the difference between me and you is to do with sexuality or just personal preference. Eek, deep stuff already! 🙂
    – Sabriel

  2. pretzelboy said,

    June 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    I think that there are a lot of sexual people who wouldn’t be interested in kissing totally random people. There is a huge range of sexual interest in people. Here’s one of my favorite explanations of asexuality. “Elizabeth Abbott, the author of A History of Celibacy, said the easiest way to think of that continuum is to put ‘Bill Clinton on one end, asexuals on the other, most of us in the middle.'”

    I think that we often get very unrealistic images of what most people are like sexually. The media often portrays everyone as being totally obsessed with sex. Many of our peers seem totally obsessed with sex. But I think that it’s the people who are really interested in sex who talk about it the most. A lot of sexual people are only interested in sex (or kissing, I imagine) with people they’re close to, and not just random people. But they probably spend a lot less of their time talking about the subject than people who are a lot more interested.

    I’ve read people talking about kissing someone they weren’t attracted to (but were going out with because they thought they should be) and finding kissing really boring, but later they kissed someone they were attracted to, and they really liked it.

  3. Ily said,

    June 4, 2009 at 4:06 am

    Yay, a new blog! 🙂

    I’m really not sure how I feel about kissing because so far, I’ve only kissed random people that I wasn’t really into. The reason I did this was because…I was drunk at the time. Oy. I’ve decided from now on, I’ll only kiss people I really like…but the opportunity hasn’t arisen yet. I agree with Pretzel that a lot of sexual folk don’t want to make out with random people, either, just like a lot of people don’t want to have sex until they love or at least really like someone.

  4. Thump said,

    June 17, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I consider myself a very sexual person. I love sex, I’d have it every day if I could and it doesn’t take much to get me in the mood. I experience a lot of things through a sexual lens but I wouldn’t say that’s what defines me. It’s just part of my experience of life.

    I have had sex with people I didn’t love because it’s enjoyable. But I’d never have sex with a random person. I’d never kiss someone I’ve just met at a pub, I’d never sleep with them either. I’m also not some sort of sex crazed demon who can’t have a relationship that doesn’t end up in the sack. In fact, I’m currently in a relationship where there is no sex whatsoever because he doesn’t want it and I’m okay with that.

    “Contrary to a lot of people (your average sexual person?), who will be more than willing to kiss without really wanting anything else out of it.”

    I think this is a common misconception in the asexuality world (believe it or not, I’ve always been very interested in that and have done research 🙂 – I like to think of myself as an educated sexual) that’s mainly created by the media. I think it’s safer to say that most sexual people, would not kiss anyone without some sort of romantic attachment. Not even teens or young adults (unless drunk maybe). It’s just as repulsive to most of us.
    I think we are much more similar than we are different, same thing between straight people and gay. We just experience a desire (need?) for certain physical behaviours that asexuals don’t. Just like some people need to be dominated/talked dirty to/get a massage/insert fetish of your choice here and others find the same thing disgusting.

    I think you can assume that a sexual person thinks and feels very much like you in most respects.

  5. Spanish John said,

    March 19, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Yay~another ace blog~ I don’t feel so lonely anymore~
    (Even though my blog sucks. D:)

    • Spanish John said,

      March 19, 2010 at 5:27 pm

      But on the subject of your post, I felt the same way you did about it. Like, exactly the same, really. >>” I spent my whole life wondering what it was like and stuff, and then…yeah. It didn’t feel like much.
      (Sorry for being so vague, it’s just I’m on a school computer and it’s insanely strict about what we type in and look at and whatnot. >>”)

  6. ristyk said,

    August 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    I am replying regarding asexual publication. Even as a sexual person, I’m all for it. In fact I have a book on Amazon.com entitled (Mask) An asexual Romance on Kindle . I plan on writing more of this genre and hopefully by the end of the year,I’ll havr another ebook out!!!

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