I know I’m asexual because…

It has been tried a couple of times. But as it is about our dear, wide, heterogeneous, fluid asexuality we’re talking about, doing a unique “You know you’re asexual when” list is really difficult and definitely wouldn’t represent many asexuals in many repects, if not at all.

So, instead I just made a list of the things that tell me that I am asexual. I find it is a great excercise for self-knowledge.

I know I am asexual because:

  • At 28, I had to ask what sexual attraction was.
  • I have never wanted to streap a love interest’s clothes off, no matter how in love I have been.
  • When people said “He/she’s hot” I used to think it was some kind of a compliment relating to great looks.
  • When, thanks to AVEN, I found out that it was possible to date somebody of my age (29) without having to immediately consider sex, I felt… RELIEVED.
  • When watching E! Entertainment’s Hottest list I feel… nothing. I think “Wow, they have great bodies, must excercise a lot. Wish I was like that”. Ocasionally, a nice face accompanying the body makes my heart bump.
  • When I see a big poster featuring a handsome man and a beautiful woman, both supposedly sexy, I approach it and lean… towards the woman, because I want to check her outfit out (or, when watching the DVD cover of  Mr. and Mrs. Smith I completely ignore Brad Pitt in order to check Angelina’s ass, just because is perfect and I wonderd how to make mine look like that!).
  • My younger cousins, the ones I once saw as little children, have dated and  have had sex, while I haven’t done either.
  • I fantazise about kissing, hugging and holding hands.
  • I have seen my friends getting dumped/breaking out with strong significant others, crying their eyes out, dealing with singleness, then finding new love interests who become strong significant others, then getting engaged/married. In the meanwhile, I’ve been single all along and have always felt perfectly OK.
  • When sex becomes the topic of any conversation I sigh and think “Here we go again!”.
  • When I see a scene of casual sex, I think: “No way! Do people really do it with people they barely know?”
  • When I learn that somebody had sex with their significant other soon after they became a couple, I think: “No way! Do people really do it that fast?”
  • I thought unmarried couples had sex about once every two months. I was actually shocked when found out what the “normal” frequency was.
  • I didn’t know that people begin to physically desire their significant ones at a given point of their relationships. And I learned this only because I read Annie on my mind.
  • Before I knew about asexuality, I used to picture myself in relationships involving sex only because I thought it was what I, as an adult, was “supposed” to do, or what any significant other would “expect” me to do;  not because I, physically or emotionally, needed or wanted to. Now that picture has changed.


  1. Thump said,

    June 17, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Very interesting to read about how “the other side” sees things. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be asexual. I mean, intellectually I get it but I can’t imagine what it would feel like. I’d like to point out something I personally think is not really related to a/sexuality if that’s alright 🙂

    “When people said “He/she’s hot” I used to think it was some kind of a compliment relating to great looks”

    Isn’t it? I mean, I see that there is a definite sexual dimension to the comment but I think it’s mostly a physical appearance thing. Otherwise, people must think I’m a total lesbian with all the women I think are really hot. Now I’m worried :p

    “When watching E! Entertainment’s Hottest list I feel… nothing. I think “Wow, they have great bodies, must excercise a lot. Wish I was like that”. Ocasionally, a nice face accompanying the body makes my heart bump.”

    Allow me to reassure you, neither do I 😀 Stupid pretty people = turn off. LOL.

    “I have seen my friends getting dumped/breaking out with strong significant others, crying their eyes out, dealing with singleness, then finding new love interests who become strong significant others, then getting engaged/married. In the meanwhile, I’ve been single all along and have always felt perfectly OK.”

    So have I. Lost my virginity at 20, looooong after all my friends. I felt left behind sometimes but I definitely didn’t really mind I was a virgin and single. I didn’t feel I was really lacking something. Even now that’s I’m neither a virgin nor single I don’t feel like it makes that much of a difference. And this is from someone who considers herself very, very sexual…

    Anyway, just felt like sharing 😀 I’m not saying you’ll feel differently “when you find THE ONE”. It’s unlikely although I can imagine that if you love someone with your whole heart, you may find yourself enjoying sex (because it’s possible to enjoy the physical pleasure without being horny) when and if you chose to have it if you happen to have a sexual partner. If being in love makes it so much better for sexuals, there’s gotta be something more to it independently of pure sexual attraction, IMHO. It’s just like kissing and holding hands taken a step up, physical sensation-wise. Personally, I find sex much more satisfying when it’s driven by romantic feelings and deep affection than when I’m sexually aroused.

    Out of curiosity, how do you feel about having children? Making babies and sexual feelings are two completely different things. Sex may be a prerequisite for having babies but the desire for one does not imply the desire for the other (plenty of sexual people don’t want anything to do with babies). How do you stand regarding that?

    • Kate said,

      August 26, 2013 at 3:38 am

      I’ve come to the realization that I’m asexual but I’ve always had the erge and need to have children, and take care of them. I feel exactly the same way as the article, never understood the ‘wow he is so hot’ remarks and always looked at an attractive person and noticed the physiological side of things and wondered how they got their body to look like that, more or less just appreciated the artwork as such.

  2. Bae said,

    June 18, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Thanks for this! I love reading about other asexuals and their experiences… it’s so hard not to feel like a freak, but posts like this make me feel more like it’s okay to be the way I am!
    Also- “When people said “He/she’s hot” I used to think it was some kind of a compliment relating to great looks.” … it’s not? :] I’m gonna have to poll my sexual friends on this!

  3. Lily Avalon said,

    July 2, 2009 at 3:35 am

    love this! I thought the whole hot thing was looks too. When I first found out what sex was I was really surprised that people enjoyed it.

  4. kitkat said,

    March 6, 2010 at 9:25 am

    OMGSH i feel the same way with so many things i read here, cept 4 when i see a hot guys body i do wanna touch his abs and stuff n maybe even kiss him, but i woiuldnt want anything to do with the private parts…ewwwwwwww. Im so glad theres others like meeee

  5. J said,

    August 11, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    I’m 12, I know about sex and I think I’m asexual too. I want to get married and have kids but the thought of sex doesn’t even cross my mind because I find it disturbing and I don’t get how people get pleasure from it. I hope my parents will still like me if I tell them this.

    • Anonymous said,

      October 2, 2010 at 6:15 pm

      That’s because you’re TWELVE. Sex shouldn’t cross your mind yet.

    • Anonymous said,

      April 3, 2013 at 12:03 pm

      Don’t stress about it, it’s normal not to feel like that when you’re twelve. Give it a few years 🙂

  6. Magick said,

    October 23, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Well, All I can say is wow. After going thru school wanting me to tell her who I fancied, and not getting answers, coz I didn’t.maybe thinking I was a lesbian coz I’ve never mentioned about fancying any1, never drooled over pop bands or male teachers (liked the look of a few female ones tho!) and avoided sexual questions like the plague, she said lastnight, you could be Asexual. Me, not having a clue what this was said ‘maybe’ and ended up googling it, and ending up here! I think I may have found my answer! 🙂 much happier. Like others, I love hugging, holding hands , being with someone coz they are them, but the thought of being sexual with someone pushes me away from them coz it’s whats ‘expected’ but gives me a sicky feeling. Glad it’s not just me being my weird self! Thankyou! :d

  7. Anymouse said,

    April 13, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    When people said “He/she’s hot” I used to think it was some kind of a compliment relating to great looks.

    OH MY GOD.

    That’s what I thought it meant! Right up until the minute I read this it never clued to me that He/she’s hot meant sexually desirable – I thought it was just another way to say that someone is beautiful!

    That I would look at someone attractive in a photograph and I would stare, and stare, and think, “how beautiful they are, like art, how wonderful this photograph is to highlight that beauty, look at the curve of the wrist and the structure of the hand, the long fingers, the curving lips… S/he’s so lovely.” And people would say “you are drooling all over that” and I’d try to explain that no, I’m entranced by how beautiful, and they’d say, “because you’re lusting all over that picture” and I’d think, oh, is this lust? Okay. This reaction means I want sex with this person, right? and since I react this way to beautiful men and beautiful women, that means I’m bisexual. Okay.

    and then I’d have sex with people, and not understand why it didn’t move me. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I’d read all about it, fiction and non fiction. I’d seen it in film. I got to see what sex looked like and while some of it tripped the “beauty” response mostly I was watching to figure out what the women were doing, so I could do it right, and then maybe it would move me and everything would be okay.

    Well, I can’t say that sex *never* moved me. I’m just unsure if what I felt was correct…or rather, what everyone else felt. I’ve wondered if I was asexual, but I wasn’t sure because i’ve had so much sex, and i’m interested in sex, I mean reading about it and all, but I haven’t actually had sex in about four years and I really just don’t care. but…after reading this entry? yeah, I think I *am* asexual.

  8. Anonymous said,

    February 6, 2012 at 3:00 am

    So hotness=/=beautiful? Explains so many conversations.

  9. lifearson said,

    February 16, 2012 at 4:04 am

    “Hot” doesn’t necessarily mean currently sexually desired by the person making the comment, just to make that clear. It means more like “potentially sexually desirable to somebody.”
    I can say someone is hot that I wouldn’t ever intend to sleep with, and probably would rebuff if they came onto me. (Unless I were drunk and they were very touchy-feely… actually, that latter part is usually how encounters begin, but anyway…)
    Generally it just means: “that person is aesthetically pleasing, potentially in a stereotypical way” more often than it means “I find that person a turn on.”

    Depending on who you’re talking to, and the inflection used, and the modifiers. Most of my friends use the earlier meaning. Some, who I generally consider less cultured, clearly are using the second meaning.

    If I say someone’s hot, (which I wouldn’t, normally) I don’t mean I sexually desire them. If I say what someone’s *doing* is hot, then yeah there’s a good chance that I wouldn’t kick them out of bed.

    My thing is touch, though, and talk. So I’m not generally one to speak to appearance. Sex definitely is not tops on my (uh… “to do?”) list… but it is something that sometimes just happens when I get really close to people. Guess that’s my animal nature, not being so picky – I’m pan, myself. Anyway. Cheers!

  10. lifearson said,

    February 16, 2012 at 4:07 am

    Oh, and Anonymous –

    “That’s because you’re TWELVE. Sex shouldn’t cross your mind yet.”

    That is a terrible one-size-doesn’t-fit-all statement. I’m not hypersexual, but I was very aware of my sexual interest in both boys and girls by the time I was four… and I didn’t even know what sex actually was, yet.

    At twelve, at twenty, at a hundred, sexuality and asexuality can be fluid.

  11. Danu said,

    March 22, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I actually have to agree with Anonymous there, having children myself.
    I have also just read an article stating that during adolescence you have many confusing factors to sexuality, and rather than being asexual from as early as 12, you may want to consider the possibility of purely being a “late bloomer.”

    As for my own story, I’m finding many points I can relate to personally within these comments and articles generally, but as I mentioned before, I have children. Could I really be asexual or do I just have some major issues?

    I classify myself as the former here. I have had many relationships with both men and women, I have had countless sexual experiences, and I can freely admit to feeling, during sex, that sensation that they talk about in the movies and books, and yet I still find myself squirming away from my partner and the whole notion of having a sexual relationship.
    It has crossed my mind on numerous occasions that I am in fact participating in that side of our relationship merely to please the person I am with, and because it is expected of me by society.
    Again, like others, I am happy to express my love for a person with less “icky” gestures, such as a cuddle on the sofa, a kiss, even a snog, or holding hands etc. but have to stop when my partner wants to take it further.

    I genuinely want feed back on my situation here, as this is a fairly new realisation to me, and having 2 children and a third on the way (having literally had sex 3 times this year!) I am wondering if asexuality is a legitimate possibility.

  12. Epi said,

    May 16, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    In some sense parhaps the japanese culture gives a more faithful picture about the development of sexual desire. I have some idea that in japanese cartoons the characters usually talk much more overtly about the “hotness” and sexiness of other characters, whereas if you read for example Harry Potter you won’t find many references to the characters’ sexuality, and the references that there are are for the most part too innocent.

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