Common misconceptions

After having come out on my personal blog, a friend of mine replied with the classic “You haven’t found the right one” line and “Asexuals are just frustrated people who haven’t been able to have sex”. I wonder when, oh, when did I say being asexual had anything to do with not having a significant other nor not having sex? And When did I say asexuals wanted to have sex in the first place? People clearly don’t understand.

So I decided to compile a list of common misconceptions. I’m sure that after reading it, skeptics or confused people will be even more confused, but at least they’ll start pondering.

Here is a list of what DOES NOT define asexuality, along with my attempt to explain why they are misconceptions:

1. Asexuals are virgins

Many asexuals have had/have sex, many times and with many different people, but don’t find it is particularly appealing by itself or find other things more intrinsecally exciting.

2. Asexuals are repulsed by sex

While it is true that many asexuals are uncomfortable with sex and intimacy, that is not the case of all, and this particular trait definitely does not consitute a definition for asexuality.

3. Asexuals want to have sex and they’re just frustrated people because they haven’t been able to have any

As asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction, sex is not something they are desperately seeking. Sexual people who have high sexual urges have real trouble understanding this. If you can’t conceive how a person does not want to have sex, it just means one thing and one thing only: you are very sexual, and that’s great! But please, don’t judge other people just because of how you feel.

4. Asexuals don’t want to have sex ever in their life

Some asexuals wouldn’t mind having sex, it’s just not something they are desperately seeking. Given the right conditions (right time, person, place) some romantic asexuals would even find sex very appealing. On the other hand, yes, some asexuals don’t want to have sex ever. But note this is just the case of some and does not consitute a definition for asexuality.

5. Asexuals are degendered/don’t have sexual organs

Seriously, what?

6. Asexuals can’t enjoy sex/can’t have orgasms/erections

Asexuals can have orgasms and erections just as sexuals do. They can enjoy sex just as sexuals do.

7. Asexuals don’t fall in love and/don’t want to have a significant other

Romantic asexuals fall in love and most want to find a significant other/have already a significant other. Aromantic asexuals, on the other hand, don’t.

I am the biggest romantic asexual 🙂

8. Asexuals don’t have a significant other

Many asexuals have significant others, both sexual and asexual.

9. Asexuals couples don’t have sex

Asexual couples can have sex and some do. It’s just nothing they need.

10. An asexual can’t have a significant other that is sexual

An asexual/sexual couple is something that poses challenges, but it’s not impossible.

11. When an asexual finds a significant other that attracts them sexually, that is the proof that asexuality wasn’t real

This is called demisexuality, which can be considered part of asexuality. Some prefer to place it in a gray area between sexuality and asexuality. Demisexuality is defined as being sexually attracted to somebdoy only when a strong relationship exists. It does not disprove asexuality, as this is something that happens to only some former defined as asexual, and it never becomes “full” sexuality (being attracted sexually, indistinctively of the person triggering the attraction).

What’s in a kiss?

It just hit me.

I had never thought it like this, but I now think that, as with sex, I don’t feel like kissing random guys. I would only kiss when loving somebody, expecting a whole romantic story afterwards. Contrary to a lot of people (your average sexual person?), who will be more than willing to kiss without really wanting anything else out of it, just because kissing feels great and it is fun (what? it isn’t unless you have feelings!).

I had a very painful experience with a sexual guy. We kissed. He did it for the sake of it, and never cared about it afterwards, whereas I did it because I loved him.

I really didn’t feel the butterflies in my stomach I thought I was supposed to feel. The whole time I was thinking… Is this it? Is this all that it feels like? It was kind of weird and definitely nothing I would have done if I didn’t care for the guy I had in front of me. Turns out he could perfectly have kissed a totally random girl.

Oh my god. Could this be an expression of demi/asexuality vs. sexuality?